6 years ago I self initiated with a tattoo on my lower belly, over my womb.
I didn’t really know what I was doing back then, tattoos have always been a way for me to map my experience in this human body and at the time I felt like I needed to connect to something deeper inside of me. I wasn't aware of the path I was embarking on.
What followed was a series of multiple other initiations- a breakdown, closing down my business, a divorce, moving countries, several womb- and heartbreaks, another breakdown (that I also refer to as Kundalini awakening in my previos blog articles) … to finally start getting what I was pointed at.
At the dawn of my seventh year with this process I finally got to the point of integration and incorporation of all those lessons. The main one of which is… finally recognizing and dropping the role I have been playing for decades. Probably life times.
The role of the (sacred) prostitute. 🩸
Yep, that’s right. A prostitute. I don’t have any issues with the profession. Actually I deeply respect it when it comes from a place of honesty and deep integrity with one’s path in life.
But for me it meant covertly/unconsciously offering my vitality, wisdom, heart, time and knowledge as a teacher and space holder in exchange for love, attention, some kind of material support and protection or simply a few „innocent“ drinks and a maybe a meal.
I have traded my looks, womb and heart for what I believed was the best way to get what I needed in that moment.
I was in relationships with men, who were supposed to be my students, not partners.
And I am sharing this with deep compassion for myself and anyone who has been/is on the same path. There is so much grief we as women only now tap into.
This is a role all of us have played as women at some point in our lives, or at least were exposed to. I was growing up as a watching my friends in my teen (and past) years doing it- getting their „needs“ for attention, validation and protection met this way and at some point I swallowed the poison and started using it too. Tying my self worth to my looks I was seeing my body as a tool to get recognition, admiration and apreciation. I was obsessed with controlling my weight and became anorexic ( also passed down as a frequency from my maternal lineage). On some level I was hoping this way I can finally get the safety and protection I was craving. It is so scary to exist in a world not feeling protected.
And this is the true crux for us, isn't it?… We don’t feel safe as women in this world.
In our bodies,
In our relationships and families,
In our communities/ towns/cities/countries.
Our wisdom, our beauty, our wombs have being extracted from and owned for centuries by men, our culture and status quo.. And there was a breaking point in our collective psyche and we started trading our bodies, wisdom and intuition to have some sense of control and agency over our own bodies and destiny.
We see it at full display in the half or fully naked video clips, magazines, movies, IG accounts etc where many women would like to believe they’re acting form a place of empowerement and agency, when in reality this is very much just a reaction to this deep seated fear of being an unprotected woman in this world. Of being hurt.
How many of us feel truly safe?
How many of us got this feeling of protection growing up or having it passed down from our mothers and grandmothers?
How many of us feel comfortable in our being/expressing as women?
And how many of us know, deeply and unconditionally know, that we are loved by the Divine in this life?
Coming to a time of deep integration, I feel so humbled by this path and for the first time in my life I feel loved and seen- by myself and by God Spirit.
Share, comment or contemplate if it resonates.
From my Womb to yours,
with love
Hrissi 🌹🩸
